Both sexes have to go through a difficult process of sorting out the relationship. Everyone has their own opinion about this procedure. Some people prefer to regularly arrange a “debriefing”; while others consider this procedure an absolutely useless waste of time.
It’s worth understanding the motives of those who consider it necessary to explain a relationship in detail; and those who consider it unnecessary conversations and don’t desire to touch upon a sore subject. It is necessary to understand both points of view and to find out the reason for the opposition of such beliefs.
In principle, a showdown is a kind of negotiating table. Behind it, the two sides are trying to find a solution to some confusing situation. It is clear that the situation is unacceptable for both. The time has come when it is no longer possible to postpone claims and demands for the future; you need to make some kind of decision that suits both sides.
A classic example is the clarification of a love relationship, the development of which does not suit one of the partners or they do not develop, froze at a certain point. In such a situation, there always comes a moment when one of the partners needs to sort out the relationship. This point is very important. It is impossible to predict how these negotiations will end. Therefore, the event is quite risky. There is a risk that during such a conversation, opinions, facts, qualities that were carefully hidden in everyday life will “emerge”. Whether it is worth stirring up an anthill or not, each partner decides for themselves.
Finding out a relationship is akin to an extreme situation in everyday life. In such cases, a person shows all the features of his nature. This demonstration process allows you to decide “whether to go with them in the intelligence. In a serious relationship, this is important.
Sorting out the relationship
Let’s define the breed of people who need to sort out the relationship. They are an open person who is used to being responsible for their actions. They are guided by the confidence that if something doesn’t work out, they need to correct the situation. This position has an extreme. A person who doesn’t try to calmly assess the situation. If anxiety arises, they take action. They are not afraid of risk, they are not afraid of unpredictability, they are ready to “head in the pool.” This can be a manifestation of courage, which can be compared to the fearlessness of children who do not understand the danger. There is in this nature adolescent maximalism: “all or nothing.“
When one of the partners in a love relationship too often provokes a showdown process, we can say that tense conversations are a kind of compensation. Maybe this partner has formed a habit of quarrels, serious conversations to satisfy sexual desires. Calmness comes in the process of sorting out the relationship. The initiator understands that the partner only pays attention to them and to the general problem, and this is enough for them.
Increased anxiety and suspicion can be the result of negative experiences. They have no guarantees. They need to receive a lot of attention and love so that they can gradually calm down. Otherwise, they can destroy the relationship by not allowing themselves to be happy. They don’t even believe in real happiness, they constantly think that this will end soon, they speed up the denouement, since the expectation of the end is painful, more terrible than the end of the relationship itself.
There are many different reasons for the formation of the desire to regularly sort things out. But all of these provoking factors have a common origin. Such people prefer to act actively, believe that they must completely control the situation.
Those who refuse to sort things out also have several different motives. These are introverts who are turned inward. They are not confident that a showdown can fix the situation. They believe that it is better not to interfere in the process, the situation will “settle down” by itself. Perhaps in the past, the person had unsuccessful showdowns that ended in a painful breakup. In such cases, the opinion may be formed that the showdown signals their end. For such people, the negotiating table is a symbol of a state of war. They think: “A broken cup cannot be glued.”
The obedient child
You can associate such people with an obedient child. They are afraid to make some decisions themselves. They expect that the “adults” will make the right decision or the desire will disappear. In clarifying the relationship, they see only a negative development of events, they don’t predict positive results. To some extent, they are dominated by the ghost of a formidable parent, although they don’t realize it.
In such a situation, their desire to avoid sharp corners is understandable, to take a waiting position, to wait for an independent resolution of the situation. In the event of a conflict brewing, they can make a cardinal decision, disappear forever or temporarily from a partner’s life in order to avoid the need to sort things out. They can return when the problem has lost relevance. The relationship moves into another phase.
Let’s return to the assessment of the negotiating table. It performs two functions: it clarifies the relationship and is a kind of testing, allows you to reveal the hidden features of a partner, to see how they manifest themselves in an extreme situation.
Who initiates it?
It’s important to consider all the nuances. First, who is the initiator of the negotiations? Usually, a showdown is required by a partner who has certain concerns about the fate of the relationship. The initiator can be a partner whose goal is to end a relationship that weighs on them, in their opinion, they have no future. It is necessary to observe the behavior and words, to determine the motive for the initiative of the negotiations.
Place of negotiations
Second, the place where the negotiations are held is important. If the showdown is carried out in the house of one of the partners, it is important who is the owner. For the most part, it is he who is interested in maintaining or ending the relationship. You need to understand that, despite the fact that “in his own home and the walls help,” he also feels anxiety. Even if he decided to leave, he is not sure of the correctness of his decision. Negotiations can be held in a public place. If this is a cafe, the park was previously used for romantic meetings, the partner makes efforts to strengthen and restore relationships.
Time of arrival
Thirdly, it matters who came to the showdown first and who was late. Psychoanalysts jokingly define a person’s mood on this basis: “came on time – obsession; came early – anxiety; late – angry. ” Being late for no good reason may indicate that the person wants to delay the start of a conversation or avoid it. If they came ahead of time, it means that they are “ready for battle”, and wants to speak out as soon as possible. It is important for a person to hear what they will say in response. Consequently, they value the relationship and have a strong affection.
Fourthly, the postures taken by the interlocutors are important. Partners can sit opposite each other. This can mean both a willingness to act militarily and a willingness to have a frank conversation. It is believed that people sitting facing each other are ready to reveal their feelings, thoughts, and fully show themselves.
The position of the legs and arms is important. If a person’s leg is crossed over the leg, the arms are crossed over the chest, this is a sign of a defensive position, but not completely closed. They are ready for a conversation, but they will not say everything. With this posture, they warn that they won’t allow full penetration into the soul.
People can sit half-turned to each other. In this position, the face is not fully visible, the gestures are not so expressive, you can turn your head a little, hide your emotions. This position can be considered more peaceful, but one should not expect complete openness in such a conversation. If you need to test the partner’s attitude to the conversation, you need to sit down first, so that they chose how they want to sit.
During the conversation, you need to pay attention to the partner’s hands. When a person is not looking for a compromise, they hide their hands. A sign of trust, a desire to be heard is having their hands on the table.
Changes during the conversation
It is important to keep track of after which phrases the interlocutor changes poses. When, at a tense moment of conversation, the partner leans back in the chair, lowers their arms, which were crossed on their chest, this means that they have made a decision. Internally, the knot untied, relaxation came. Something said at the moment brought relief to them.
Looking to the right means that the partner is thinking about how the situation could have developed or is lying. A glance to the left indicates that they are remembering something or making an attempt to come up with something. If the interlocutor looked up, they remember what they saw, if down, they think about sensations. The movement of the eyes to the right upwards means thoughts about what they would like to see or present to their partner in fantasy, as reality. Looking up to the left suggests that the partner is remembering something.
During a showdown
Unfortunately, during a showdown, it’s not easy to closely follow all the movements and views of the interlocutor. Not always a partner in this state can express their feelings and emotions in classical ways. Therefore, you shouldn’t be completely guided by the rules. Intuition and trust should be the main advisors. However, if you have the opportunity to remain calm, you want to thoroughly understand the situation, you should take a closer look at your partner, evaluate their postures, views in order to catch their mood, reactions to various phrases.
Summing up, you need to return to the main question, whether it is necessary to sort things out or is it better not to take risks. It is important to distinguish between constructive relationships and mutual reproaches, accusations, constant quarrels. Here, not only individual characteristics play a role, but also cultural and historical traditions.
In this problem, there is a difference between the West and the East. When disagreements arise, Western representatives prefer to sit down at the negotiating table, find out the causes of the problem, find a way to solve them, and test a partner. People of the East believe that they need to take a wait and see attitude.
It will allow passions to subside, help calmly analyze the situation. Both positions have their pros and cons. Therefore, it is impossible to make an unambiguous conclusion whether it is necessary to sort things out, what is considered courage and what is wisdom, how to distinguish openness from shamelessness.
Let everyone decide on their own this issue for themselves.
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