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  /  Parenthood   /  Conflict between parents and adult children
Conflict between parents and adult children

An increasing number of clients, whose main appeal is the endless conflict with their parents. One could ignore the conflict between adult children and their moms and dads. But these disagreements are accompanied by dangerous feelings: aggression towards parents and pity, self-compassion.

In most cases, conflict arises with the mother, less often with the father. sometimes there are quarrels with both of them.

The claims of adult children cannot be considered unfounded. Most of the complaints about parents are based on complaints that have their roots in childhood. Most often, adult children complain of endless criticism, constant instructions and directives, preferences, etc.

Adult children can be objective in their claims, parents sometimes really behave terribly. This situation raises a serious problem. It seems to them that the moment will come when the parent will suddenly come to their senses and understand that he behaved incorrectly in the relationship. And finally, it will be possible to receive everything that was not given, happiness and freedom will come.


High expectations

The expectations of a miracle don’t come true, and aggression is formed towards the parents or one of them. For the most part, adult children deny that they expect something from their parents, even rationally explain the reasons for their anger. However, subconsciously they, nevertheless, scroll the same picture of despair or expectation of a change in the situation. Moreover, the Inner Child has been ready for the arrival of the “new era” of relationships. This is a sign of infantilism and dependence.

Feelings for parents can be expressed in different ways. Grown boys and girls, respectable aunts, and uncles can hate mom or dad, get annoyed, and accumulate resentment against them. In any case, this speaks of vulnerability, that there is an expectation, a hope for change, a change in the attitude of parents.


Claims of the adult child

Many adult children, cultivating their claims to their parents, internally do not set themselves the goal of eliminating the conflict. They use these claims to explain their own failures, inaction:

  1. The unfair attitude of parents makes it possible not to grow up. They blame all their mistakes on a difficult childhood: “if my mother had not reproached me constantly, I would …”.
  2. Mistakes in upbringing can explain the reason for self-destruction. “It was my parents who did not allow me to have a kitten, I cannot forgive such disappointment, so I drink …”.
  3. Resentment against parents frees me from responsibility for the present, I don’t blame myself for failure: “with a compromised nervous system, it is impossible to achieve serious goals” or “it was my parents who chose an institution for me, forced me to work not to my liking.”


Adult child’s conflict

Adult children resign themselves to conflict. They use this to justify their own mistakes, shortcomings, and lack of will. Aggression, and resentment lies only on the surface, the main point is self-pity.

Lack of attention, love from loved ones, dear people, of course, is a negative factor. But it should be understood that parents can create this situation unconsciously. Most likely, in childhood, they were also deprived of affection, warmth, and care. Therefore, they lack this source, there is nowhere to take the love that children are waiting for.

Your inner child

There is only one way to break this chain. You need to become a loving and understanding parent to your inner child. Accept it with all its flaws, do not reject or reproach. Note his personal merits, praise his victories and successes. But you need to understand that from this moment you will not be able to shift responsibility for your mistakes to anyone. Only you are the cause of mistakes and failures.

Unfortunately, not everyone is ready to take on such responsibility, to part with the habit of blaming everything on upbringing and parents. The whole life of a person passes under the banner of conflict. In old age, he continues to sigh sadly: “If my parents loved and understood me more, my life would be much better.” We’ll have to grieve those who intend to live life this way. Your parents are not to blame for your mistakes and problems, but you yourself. The priority role of moms and dads ends by the age of 20-22. In later life, conflicts with your parents cannot rule your life. It is useless to expect from them that they will change, it is irresponsible to demand from a partner in a relationship compensation for not received love, care, and understanding.

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