It seems paradoxical the behavior of people who are victim of violence, which can be physical, emotional, psychological. At the moment of committing violence, they have to experience suffering, pain, despair, humiliation.
But instead of hating, despising, and rejecting the abuser, victims feel pity and even tenderness for them. They are sincerely attached to the person who is showing aggression. Moreover, the victim considers themselves responsible for these outbursts of violence, compassion for their oppressor and protects them.
Reasons behind this behavior
In order to understand the reasons for this behavior, their nature, you need to figure out who the victim is, what motives their behavior. This will help find out why such a feature of nature is formed. We are not talking about people who have been accidentally hurt by the actions of others. They didn’t voluntarily step themselves into such a situation. The role of the victim is temporary for them.
We are talking about those who for many years deliberately remain in the position of a victim, using an appropriate behavioral strategy. This psychology is most often the result of an overly tough upbringing, the use of violence. In such families, the child is taught from an early age that you can only love them if they will be the way others want them to be.
The child cannot understand that this is not a norm of behavior, it is a model, the atmosphere of a single-family. They get used to it from early childhood; a certain mechanism of behavior characteristic of the victim is formed. Individuality does not appear, the child must behave as adults in order to be loved. By the way, a similar psychological anomaly can manifest itself in the aggressor, since both of these roles are components of the same relationship model.
These people use the behavioral strategy of the victim for one purpose. They want love. The victim has the opportunity to get rid of this role if in their youth they meet a person who is able to warm them with kindness and love; instills a sense of self-respect, teaches the ability to value their own dignity, and introduces people with normal relationships into the circle. If such a miracle does not happen, pain, fear of loneliness, despair will increase with each new relationship.
There is a firm belief that they are not worthy of love.
Attention for the victim
It is enough for a person who has shown attention to the victim to appear for them to develop strong affection. Violence will not be on your guard, as this treatment is common. In addition to affection, hope is born that this person will be able to relate well, bring joy. Usually in such relationships, emotional periods go in a circle. First, there is a burst of joyful happy moments, then a showdown begins, tension and violence thicken. Then everything repeats itself. Next to the victim is usually a person who is also addicted to violence but in an aggressive manner. They need someone next to whom they can release tension and negativity. They can express it in screaming or assault.
The attacker usually blames the victim for provoking these outbreaks. They love them, but they cannot behave appropriately. The victim feels sorry for the rapist, considers themself strong, and is sure that it is they who control the situation. After all, if you correct yourself, behave correctly, you can maintain a wonderful relationship. It seems to the victim that it is in their power to reduce the number of outbreaks and irritations, to stop them. They proceed to control and rescue.
How violence escalates
The victim has to endure double suffering. First, it is humiliation, despair in moments of violence, then a feeling of guilt for causing a flash of anger, a desire to hurt. The victim not only pities the aggressor but also tries to improve, begging for forgiveness. There is only one way out of such a circle. Both participants must be aware of their roles, participation, motives of behavior. We can compare a relationship to a bicycle in which each partner has their own pedal. If one stops turning it, the bike will not stop.
It is important to understand that violence cannot have good motives. A child whose mother used to say: “Dad beat you because he loves you. He wants well for you” growing up, cannot recognize violence in relationships, considering it the norm. Good and evil are mixed in understanding and chaos reigns.
The psychologists work
When working with victims, the psychologist needs to explain everything in detail, disassemble, sort it out. Teach them to realize that there are things that cannot be tolerated in a relationship under any circumstances. They need to understand that abusive relationships become more painful over time and are more likely to break down.
Sometimes the question arises when you need to explain to your partner that you will not tolerate what you think is unacceptable. They need to set boundaries early in the relationship. As soon as possible, you need to make it clear to your partner what actions, words you will not put up with. You can say about this species or hint indirectly, find analogies in films, give examples from the lives of other people.
If you do not set boundaries in a timely manner, the relationship will begin to develop in a pattern that will gradually tighten, like a whirlpool. Euphoria will give way to tension, followed by an outburst of emotions with pain and despair, then shame, a sense of guilt, responsibility for what happened. All these steps will repeat ad infinitum. These circles have a high degree of emotionality; a period in which euphoria reigns, which raises the illusion of a good strong relationship; which in fact does not exist.
Get an appointment with one of our specialists.